Was Crippled by Negativity

The weight of the world, Cuban Missile Crisis.
John F Kennedy

In the earlier post by asingaporeson, he celebrated negativity as his natural trait. He delights in it as the rest of the world remain baffled by his irrational actions. He becomes a father today. He had received the greatest gift that a man can ever asked for... A beautiful daughter.

I offered him a succinct sentence today. "From today onwards, your daughter comes first. You, come last."

I am probably the total opposite of him. While he thrives on negativity. I on the other hand has suffered the severe stings of negativity many times before. There is no joy in those stings... I can assure you.

While I am not the absolute sunshine boy as my wife can attest, I definitely do not enjoy negativity.

While I was young, unlike asingaporeanson. I do not play the dark figures. When I played the role playing game Dungeon and Dragons, I always choose to play the upright and fair Paladin knight. The lawful good. The knight in the shining armour.

In the earlier parts of life, I always believed in being decent, hardworking and treating people in kindness. By doing that I hope I could become the the Paladin knight who would one day be a just and fair king.

Darkness fell several times in my life. Probably, the pivotal point began in Junior College days. The sudden lost of loved ones, the sudden and irreversible change in trajectory in my future career. It knocked my bearings off completely and utterly. Upon reaching 18 years old, enlistment came. The chains of military fell heavily on me.

The infantry broke me down, and tore me up. When all that is left is of you is a sobbing mess sprawl on the ground. It started to build me up, piece by piece shooting each painful rivet into you slowly. From the gentle, mild mannered boy in JC, I became the taut, aggressive infantryman who is ever ready to shoot off a round of expletives or bullet should the occasion calls for it.

While I was God-fearing during my student days, I became the anti-Christ in the army. I asked this question repeatedly, Why do put me through this life, Lord? You are not doing your job! Screw you! Negativity fuelled my rage. It changed me utterly to became a bitter person.

I brought the "nothing is impossible mentality" from the army into my teaching career. I worked hard, move fast, had minimal rest. I climbed quickly through the ranks. I became a HOD and was set for principalship in record time. While doing that, I was also working at my pilot's license. I didn't want to stay in the education service for the long haul. I wanted to become a commercial airline pilot eventually.

I got into trouble.

My body revokes against the onslaught. Nothing is impossible became impossible. My body broke down. Forced to slow down and I had no choice to give up my career. The medical condition cost me my wings. From the shining son of my father, I became a crippled son. Family turmoil rumbled...I was driven out of my home by my siblings.

The good side of this was that God led the crippled son by hand all the way. He never left me all this while despite the abuse. The disaster brought me back into the arms of my heavenly father. From the anti-Christ, I became the baptised son albeit the crippled baptised son.

Recuperation was slow and painful. It took me years to function back to where I was. But it was never the same again. I got tired more easily, and my focus was never that focused.
So tell me about it, negativity? I hate it.

As times goes by, after years of living life normally. The old habits sometime kick in again. Once again, my yearning for success grew. I want recognition, I want success. I want to be looked up upon. I wanted to be the Paladin knight.

I meet up with aspiring HODs or principals in the course of my current job. They do looked down on me sometimes as if I was the lower rank staffer. But if only they knew, I was them before.


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